Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
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