Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
