If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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