I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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