Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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