Cold hands, warm shart.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
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