The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
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