so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize