you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Just puked most of my soul out..
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
