Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
porn star boner night. come get it.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Randomize
