Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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