How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
