I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
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Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
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I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
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