I look better un-naked...
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
