This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
