A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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