Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
