My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
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