There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
