Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I want a musical about memes.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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