party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
