Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
