and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Randomize
