My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
this beer tastes like vomit already
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Randomize
