her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
