I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
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