True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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