at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Randomize
