I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
