Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
she smelled like a LAN party
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
