My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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