The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Randomize
