I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
