im six kinds of drunk right now
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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