i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
