I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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