On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Randomize
