ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
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Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
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Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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