Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
