You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
porn star boner night. come get it.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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