Whats the glycemic index on semen?
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
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