Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
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