It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
