my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Randomize
