totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
