I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
