why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize
