My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Randomize
