i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
