How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
