happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
