First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
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