Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
