Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
