He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
