I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
